7 Healthy Tips for Divorce

What is on your “Bucket list”?   Did you make a New Year resolution?  Are you having trouble sticking with it?   At Parker Mediation, we know going through a divorce can be difficult.   You are the most important person in your life, so take care of yourself.

Changing living situations may increase stress levels and lead to poor health behaviors.  Take steps to minimize the trauma of divorce and protect your mental and physical health.   Take time for self-care and access health care if physical or mental health issues arise.   Try these simple steps to reduce the likelihood of health decline during divorce.

7 Healthy Tips for Divorce

#1           Keep Moving

If you are serious about staying healthy through your divorce, keep moving.  Keep your activity level high, both at work and at home.  Workouts using cardiovascular and strength training will help you maintain your energy and health.  You will feel good about yourself by making the effort to work out.  Go to the gym, take a walk or run, ride your bike or throw some weights around.    If you do not have the time, park further away from the door and take the stairs instead of the elevator.  Run around with your kids, anything to keep moving.

#2           Eat Healthy

Eat healthy foods to feel good.  Divorce can be an emotional time and one way to pack on unwanted pounds is to give in to emotional eating.  Keep these three things in mind: first, think about what you are eating and why you are eating it; second, indulge in a little dark chocolate, but eat smaller portions and avoid junk foods; and third, eat a balanced diet containing whole grains, lean meats and loads of fruits and veggies.

#3           Get Out and Play

Do not spend hours watching the television; get out and play.

#4           Keep it Simple

Your life is a little complicated during divorce, so simplify your life starting with the food you eat.  Pick out your favorite types of healthy food and stock up.  You will satisfy your appetite and avoid temptations.

#5           Pay Attention

Pamper yourself and be aware that what you are going through is temporary.  Keep track of your emotions, eating habits, and your weight.   If you are gaining weight, reduce your calorie intake and increase your exercise.

#6           Stay on Track

If you slip up and overeat or become a couch potato for a day, it’s ok.   Just do not give in to old habits too long.   Begin again each day with intention to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

#7           Reinvent Yourself

Divorce is a transition period.  The opportunity to reinvent yourself is now.    Change your habits and change yourself.   You can do this!

Probate and Family Court Introduces Bilingual Short Form Financial Statement

The Massachusetts Probate and Family Court Department recently announced the introduction of a bilingual short form financial statement. The entire press release is as follows:

In response to the high percentage of bilingual, self-represented litigants in many of its 14 divisions, the Probate and Family Court has introduced Spanish and Portuguese versions of its Short Form Financial Statement (CJD-301s), one of the most widely used Probate and Family Court forms.

The Court partnered with the Trial Court’s Access to Justice Initiative and the Office of Court Interpreter Services to develop this more accessible form. Spanish and Portuguese together represent 86 percent of the interpretation needs of court users across Massachusetts.

The Forms Task Force of the Access to Justice Initiative will continue to prioritize additional court forms for translation, and identify other opportunities to make forms more accessible to the public.

The Short Form Financial Statement (CJD-301s) is used by plaintiffs, defendants or petitioners in cases such as divorce, child support, paternity, modification and contempt, when annual income is less than $75,000.

The revised financial statement includes English text and translated text on the same form. All information entered on the form by court users must be completed in English in order for the form to be accepted by the Court, as detailed in the separate instructions provided to enable completion of the form.

The forms are posted on the Internet at the address below and must be printed with black ink on pink paper, pursuant to Uniform Probate Court Practice XXXIII. The online version is currently available in a “print only” format, while a “fillable” version is being developed for posting in the near future.

Link to revised Short Form Financial Statement (CJD-301s):

http://www.mass.gov/courts/courtsandjudges/courts/probateandfamilycourt/forms.html

Larri Tonelli Parker joins Parkers Climb to raise awareness for Parkinson’s research: ParkersClimb.com

Today, as I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I am thankful for family and the traditions that are celebrated during the holiday season.  In addition, I am thankful for my health and plan to jumpstart my fitness program right after turkey day.  I want to be ready for an upcoming Parker family tradition of adventure.  After celebrating with an abundance of food, family and friends, I will prepare for my ascent to the ceiling of Africa.  I have a passion for travel and this adventure promises to entertain.  

We Parkers will climb Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise awareness for Parkinson’s disease.   I have always enjoyed hiking outdoors, particularly to refresh my own soul.   Now I climb to help others, to raise money for research, and to find a cure for Parkinson’s.   In the last months, our band of Parkers and friends has climbed Mt. Mansfield in Vermont, Mt. Katahdin in Maine, and Mt. Greylock in Massachusetts.   We are making new friends with each step and raising money along the way. [Read more...]

Modifying Mortgage Loans

Part of the divorce mediation process includes assessing and re-organizing your finances.   Each asset and liability is considered in the division of marital property.   Unfortunately, in the current housing market, the family home, which was once an asset, may now be a liability.  Determining what to do with the marital home and the associated loan and mortgage can be challenging.    Mediators guide couples to explore the possibilities.  

Many homeowners are eligible for the Home Affordable Modification Program (HAMP) that began in 2009.  Under HAMP, some borrowers can save their homes by permitting qualified borrowers to re-write their mortgages to reduce the interest rate and monthly loan payment.  This helps people avoid foreclosure.   The program initially gives temporary relief, during which time the borrower makes reduced payments.  If the borrower is successful in making the payments during the temporary period, then the Bank will provide a permanent modification.  [Read more...]

In Flanders Fields – A Poem to Honor Veterans on Remembrance Day

In Flanders Fields 

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

- Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army [Read more...]

Can Mediators Help Save the Planet?

This past summer I attended a Two-Day Advanced Workshop with master mediator and collaborative negotiator Kenneth Cloke, J.D.  The workshop focused on advanced skills, including facilitating collaborative negotiations; managing difficult behaviors; overcoming impasse; helping clients learn successful approaches to conflict management; and designing settlements that plan for the future.  The quality of the program, the effectiveness of the presenter, the coverage of the subject and overall quality of the training provided a great benefit to me and my practice at Parker Mediation.   

Kenneth Cloke is the co-founder of Mediators Beyond Borders. He has done international work in conflict resolution in Austria, the Bahamas, Brazil, China, Cuba, England, India, Japan and Pakistan, to name a few.  He has written several books including Conflict Revolution: Mediating Evil, War, Injustice and Terrorism; The Crossroads of Conflict: A Journey Into the Heart of Dispute Resolution; Mediating Dangerously; The Frontiers of Conflict Resolution; Mediation: Revenge and The Magic of Forgiveness. [Read more...]

Divorce is like Climbing a Mountain

Getting divorced is like climbing a mountain. You have to take one step at a time. The challenge of divorce, like climbing a mountain, is you cannot see what is on the other side until you reach the top. Often times it seems the peak is too high to reach or exhaustion clouds the mind making it difficult to go on. Having a guide is often the best way to manage a challenging climb.

At Parker Mediation, we explain each step and prepare you for the next. Through a series of mediation sessions, couples work out solutions and formulate a plan for the future. This includes a parenting plan that not only creates a schedule for the children, but also develops a method for managing inevitable changes as the children age. The parties develop a financial plan that takes into account the present and future needs of the children.

The mediator helps you to anticipate the future, which allows for smoother transitions. No divorce plan is complete without making budgets and developing a financial plan to meet the current needs and future needs of the parties and any children. It is never too early to start saving for college expenses or planning for retirement. The rising cost of education, healthcare and the uncertainty over whether social security will be adequate support are prime examples why good financial planning is so important.

[Read more...]

Review Your Estate Plan After Divorce.

This important information was recently provided to me from Attorney Alan Rosenfield:

As you may be aware, the federal estate taxes and generation skipping taxes were repealed as of January 1, 2010. Unless Congress acts by passing a law that retroactively addresses this issue, there will be no estate tax due for deaths occurring in 2010.

Although this sounds positive, it can have a significant negative impact on existing estate plans that were created based on the law as it existed with a federal estate tax. For example, an existing estate plan which makes use of marital and credit shelter trusts (also known as Bypass trust or A/B trust) could cause all of the assets to flow into the credit shelter trust, leaving no assets among classes of beneficiaries based on the generation skipping tax exemption. Depending on how the plan is drafted, under the current law, the allocation could dispose of the entire estate, thereby unintentionally cutting out other beneficiaries. Therefore, it is important to review these estate plans to be sure that they accurately reflect the couple’s current intentions.

Additionally, the repeal of the federal estate tax also means that the unlimited marital deduction and “step-up” in basis go away for 2010. In place of the federal estate tax, “carry-over” basis rules apply. This means that beneficiaries including the surviving spouse inherit the assets at the cost basis of the deceased owner rather than at the fair market value as the date of death. Therefore, unlike in 2009 and years prior where a surviving spouse received a full marital deduction and step-up in basis on assets inherited from the deceased spouse, the surviving spouse inheriting in 2010 will instead be subject to capital gains taxes on any assets that do not receive the “step-up” allocation. Furthermore, the “carry-over” basis rules may create an unintended conflict of interest for Executors who are also beneficiaries. In addition to these issues, there are also more complex considerations relative to the 2010 “carry-over” basis rules which we can address if appropriate.

Finally, under the current law, the federal estate tax will be reinstated in 2011 with only a $1 million exemption and with a tax rate as high as 55% for some estates. This is significantly different from 2009 where each person was allowed a $3.5 million dollar exemption with a 45% tax rate for assets exceeding the exemption. Therefore, estates that were not federally taxable in 2009 may be federally taxable in 2011 if Congress makes no changes to the current law, and the tax due on assets above the $1 million dollar exemption would be very significant.

It has been speculated that the federal estate tax will be retroactively reinstated in 2010, but this has not yet occurred and no one can be certain that it will occur. The closer we come to the Congressional elections this fall, the less confidence we have that a new law will be passed this year. For this reason, I advise that you consider a review of your estate plan now to determine if you are affected by current federal law and circumstances.

Attorney Larri Parker

My success has largely been due to the fact that I greet each mediation without expectation and I hold myself to the highest ethical standards, conducting myself with humility, integrity and humor.  A non-threatening environment begins with a warm sincere smile.  While I inform my clients that I am neutral, it is by working together that they learn to trust me.  Perhaps more importantly, by collecting and sharing pertinent information, the parties learn to trust themselves as well as each other.  It is precisely this trust that allows folks to move the process forward to find common solutions.

My work includes getting familiar with my clients, their needs, goals, fears, and hopes.  I also learn about their issues and positions.  I respect both sides of a story and help my clients to not only listen, but to speak up.  I keep balance and level the playing field, remaining impartial while providing information and raising issues.  Working together, mediation participants strategize and plan for the future.   After all, it’s one thing to say,”I want a divorce!” and entirely another to figure out what’s next.

Respecting self-determination is one of the pillars of a successful mediation.   Parties never are required to agree or reach agreement.  Mediation is based upon voluntary participation, informed decision making and an unforced agreement of the parties.  The process is confidential throughout.    The parties use the mediation sessions to jointly consider proposed options and to uncover alternatives so all options are explored before final decisions are made.  As Yogi Berra said, “It’s not over until it’s over” or as I like to say “nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.”

Divorce at your own pace

While good timing isn’t everything, it does go a long way to making the divorce process a little bit easier.  Use mediation to stay in control of the divorce process.

Many traditional divorces include multiple court appearances.  Typically, parties obtain temporary orders before the case is marked for a pre-trial conference.  At various stages of the litigation, parties often are asked to make life altering decisions on the courthouse steps.  When one or both parties are in a heightened emotional state, those decisions may not be the best decisions the parties could make.

Mediation provides time for parties to make considered decisions.  People typically make better decisions  when emotions subside.  In addition, the parties can try out potential plans before committing to them completely.  The mediation process generally leads to agreements that won’t break down as easily as those made hastily under pressure in a traditional divorce proceeding.

Special Provisions for Cases Involving Children

Traditional litigation is embracing some of the core aspects and advantages of the mediation process.  The Probate and Family Court recently issued standing order 1-10 “Special Provisions for Cases Involving Children,” which becomes effective May 5, 2010.  The pilot project in Hampshire County provides for a child-focused procedural model to develop parenting plans.   It will encourage and facilitate non-adversarial parenting planning.  The child-focused model will provide opportunities for parents to obtain information about the adverse effects hostile litigation may have on children.  The process will explore and create a problem-solving atmosphere in which parents are encouraged to experiment with parenting plans and determine the best solutions for their children and the parents.

Mediation For Your Divorce

You’ve decided to use mediation for your divorce.   Good choice.  Divorce mediation has become more and more popular, as folks discover the benefits of resolving disputes privately.  You’ll avoid useless litigiousness and delays caused by overburdened courts.  Traditional litigation is expensive, not only on your wallet, but on your quality of life.

Winning strategies can be used to enhance results for all family members.  Children want to remain close and connected to both parents, a harmonious state that is rarely achieved in conflicts where one or both parents engage the child in the conflict.  Mediation provides parents the ability to communicate directly, and create a parenting plan that suits the needs of the family.

Take for example, the impact a long drawn out court case can have on you and your children.  Too often, the litigation landscape sets up the parties for a win/lose situation.  Unfortunately the child always loses.   Mediation helps healthy families navigate conflict, minimizing the impact divorce has on kids.

By choosing mediation you can enjoy an efficient economic process to achieve your goals.  Life on the other side of your divorce will be better, because the journey does matter.

International Conference on Victim – Offender Mediation

The International Conference on Victim – Offender Mediation will take place March 4th and 5th in Burgos, Spain.

You may review the event’s itinerary (PDF) and the list of scheduled guest speakers, topics, registration details and costs by downloading the English brochure or the Spanish brochure.

[Read more...]

The Power of Apology

A sincere heartfelt apology can go a long way to repair a relationship.  In mediation,  sometimes parties are able to transform toxic patterns by acknowledging past mistakes and sharing feelings of remorse about the effect those mistakes had on the relationship.   Apologizing to clear the air and right past wrongs often permits parties to focus on the future and re-establish trust.   When one party apologizes and the other party accepts the apology, both people are saying they want the post-divorce relationship to function well.   Offering an apology is not a sign of weakness, it is a tool of strength.

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Approved Mediation for Massachusetts Juvenile Court

Parker Mediation is approved by Juvenile Court  Chief Justice Michael F. Edgerton to provide mediation services in the Juvenile Court.   Parker Mediation continues its long standing commitment to the children and families of Massachusetts by providing quality mediation services to families involved in the Juvenile Court system.  Parker Mediation is honored to be acknowledged by Chief Justice Edgerton as an approved court-connected dispute resolution service.

[Read more...]